Wow. This is one of the driest, funniest sites I've ever seen...
http://www.dullmen.com
Hours of 'entertainment' in there...
I'm assuming they didn't come up with this on their own, but I have to give credit for this one to the Michigan Association of Chiefs of Police (MACP), from their January 2006 publication.
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says......
"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government, education, and corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
- Buying a stronger whip.
- Changing riders.
- Appointing a committee to study the horse.
- Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
- Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
- Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
- Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
- Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
- Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
- Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
- Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
- Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. And of course....
- Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
I'm not any of these John Bowen's...but I can go one better. I'm not the John Bowen that wrote the "I'm not ANY of these guys" page either. Somehow, this is creepier than laughing at oneself...
OK, OK...I know it's not PC, but it's REALLY funny...
Try a search on Gizoogle.com
Just pay very close attention to the descriptions of the results...thanks to Chris Farrell for the link!
Here's the body text of an email I received today...it just struck me as hilarious...
Dear Sir/Madam,
we have logged your IP-address on more than 40 illegal Websites.
Important: Please answer our questions!
The list of questions are attached.
Yours faithfully,
M. John Stellford
++-++ Federal Bureau of Investigation -FBI-
++-++ 935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW, Room 2130 Washington, DC 20535
++-++ (202) 324-3000
A virus was attached, as you might expect.
Jes pointed this out to me some time ago, but I just got a chance to go back and really look it over...if you want a pretty good laugh, check out Chris Rae's online English-to-American dictionary (scroll to the bottom for an index). The humo(u)r archive on Chris Rae's home page is pretty entertaining, too.
Me (goofing around, to my 6 year old son): “Who's your favorite daddy?”
His immediate reply: “You are, 'cause I don't have a stepdad, but if I did, it'd make my decision harder.”
Some good friends of ours (to protect the guilty, we'll call them...“Steve” and “Julie“) were recently traveling with their 4 and 6 year olds by vehicle, and the kids were watching a DVD in the back seat. When they got home (after dark), the kids ignored multiple parental requests to “shut it off”, “go inside”, etc., so our friends shut off the car and left the kids in it.
“Steve” and “Julie” live in a pretty remote area, so when the lights are off...it's really dark. Anyway, they shut lights off, went inside, and shut the garage door. About 20 minutes later, the phone (in the house) rang. When they answered, they found it was their six-year-old, calling from the cell phone...from the car in the driveway.
He asked them to turn on the lights because it was too dark outside.
When I was a kid, I really believed for a while that a little man lived in the refrigerator and turned the light on and off for you...why wouldn't I believe it? My parents told me that's how it was.
One fun thing about having kids yourself is you get to mess with their minds the way your parents messed with yours. This weekend, just before my wife took the whole crew out for the day, I pulled our 4 year old aside and convinced him that no matter what anyone says or asks him during the day, he should respond “I'm Batman.”
He did it. To my wife, and to the (surprised) guy running the bumper boats at the local fun park.
This weekend, my 4-year old and I were in the garage when he suddenly started crying out in pain. I went over to him, and he held out a spray can of “Deep Woods Off” insect repellant while screaming "I sprayed this in my eyes!"
We rushed him into the house, rinsed his eyes with water, then dried him off. After a few minutes, the tears stopped falling, he looked up and said calmly to my wife and I, "Remind me not to do that again."
I agree with this guy...who agrees with this guy...
Although, as I look around, I have five different 'Teach yourself/Learn X in Y days/Hours' books on the shelves. *blush*
I heard this exchange in the doctor's office last week:
Patient (walking back for his Vasectomy procedure): “Hey Doc. I hope you got a good night's sleep.”
Doctor: “Yep, I did. But I've been drinking all day.”
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